I love my daughter dearly, but there’s a small part of me that thinks she might be a diabolical dark-lord, hell-bent on world domination. Here are five reasons why my 18 month-old might actually be an evil genius:
1. She has already identified physical weak spots that when exploited with minimum hassle on her behalf, yield maximum pain for me. When I refused to let her drink bubble mixture the other day, she threw the mother of all toddler-tantrums and squirted the mixture directly into my eyes. I spent the rest of the evening feeling like my eyeballs had been dipped into a madras.
2. And it’s not just the physical abuse she is adept in. Her ability to mentally cut to the core of my innermost insecurities is already finely-tuned. The other day she was playing on the floor by my dressing table whilst I was putting on my make-up. I finished the last flick of mascara, looked to her and said, ‘how do I look?’. She slowly turned to me, evaluated my face and simply said, ‘more’. What a metaphorical dagger to my ego that was!
3. She has an amazing memory for what really grinds my gears. A few weeks ago, she accidentally knocked the wooden panel below the oven off when she pushed her trike into it. I immediately re-attached it with a warning that messing with the oven is dangerous. Seeing how concerned I was about this ‘magical panel’ must have stuck with her. More recently, when I said she couldn’t have chocolate for breakfast, she ran to her trike and pushed it full-pelt into the oven to remove the panel once more. As it fell to the ground she looked at me, smiled and said ‘uh-oh!’. That level of malevolence is only reserved for future dictators and traffic wardens, surely?
4. They say that a true sociopath can absolve themselves of any wrong-doing even when they’re caught in the act. To anyone with a toddler, does this behaviour sound a little familiar to you? When I found my daughter jumping on our coffee table and I asked her – whilst she was on the table – if she was jumping on the table, she looked me dead in the eye and shook her head. I think I fear and admire that level of confidence in equal measure.
5. Finally, anyone who has checked their baby video monitor at night to find their child sat up awake in bed must agree that they look a little freaky. In the night vision light, her eyes wide and staring, I can only conclude that her night-time manoeuvres must be for future world domination.
Or maybe she’s just being a normal toddler. Only time will tell. But you might want to start building that bunker in the back garden just in case.
This is an amazing guest post by Charlotte who writes her own blog at Musing mum